Tonight I spent an hour or so in the same room as a dude in this outfit, name tag and all. We chatted in a group setting, made eye or conversational contact at least three times.
After a bit, I moved to another part of the party. When I came back, I decided to put on my sweatshirt and I sat one seat over from where I had been since my old spot was now taken. I still had my name tag on, as pictured.
When that same dude left just a little bit later, he said goodbye to the room, and I joined the crowd in saying goodbye to him, to which he replied, "Oh but we didn't meet!" He pieced together quickly that we had met, or maybe he didn't; I don't know. He was gone quickly and it was hard to tell. I don't need to know.
Now. I'm not here to throw shade on this particular dude cuz he seemed lovely in a bunch of ways.
But I do wanna point out two things that this FEELS like for me:
:: Apparently my clothes are me and I am my clothes and what I wear is the most memorable thing about me.
:: The ideas and jokes I contributed in our earlier conversation were not significant, at least not enough for this dude to bother remembering me or connecting with me over them in a meaningful way.
Again. No shade to this dude. We're unlikely to cross paths again anytime soon, and not all of us can fit everyone we meet in our brain.* But let's zoom this out a bit.
I could spend the rest of my evening or weekend or life letting it be the story that I am forgettable outside of my clothes, but I don't think that's true. I think it's more likely that these thoughts and feelings are a misdirected attempt to solve a problem that exists fully outside of me.
I haven't seen the Barbie movie yet but that felt like a Ken moment for me. From what I understand of the movie, Ken(s) in Barbie's world are dispensable, unnecessary, eye candy.
And I'm just here to note for me and for you, should you also be suffering in this world made for men, that I am none of those things. I am here to stay and here to say what needs said.
Again (again!), no shade to that dude or to that party dynamic (it was lovely!) or to any of the specific players in this scene. But TONS OF SHADE PLEASE to the patriarchy that tells us we can just go ahead and forget the women we meet unless they are there to serve and serve well. The patriarchy doesn't serve me--I'm braver and more worthy than it would have me believe--and it doesn't serve him/them/you--anyone who might never get to know my bravery or worth despite having a chance to do so. And that's not about me; I want every person to feel like their bravery and worth and words are memorable. No matter what they might be wearing.
