Grow grow baby

I love watching things grow.

Plants are my latest thrill, every new leaf is like a shot of straight dopamine.

Rising dough.

My kefir!

My child. There is no greater feeling than seeing him develop new skills, words, ideas.

A bead of water as it runs down the window, collecting friends.

Our garden, which I do experience in a way that feels separate from my indoor plants.

A playlist of eternally good songs.

Relationships, individually and in general.

My hair!

Mel's hair!

Brooks' hair!

Our bank account (oop).

Hell, even mold is fascinating to watch grow.

I am trying to grow myself, perpetually asking "where should I focus next?" to reach maturity. But for someone who loves watching things grow, I harbor some hesitation in my belief that we (humans) will and must always grow. Isn't there an end of the line?

What I WANT to believe is the opposite: I have all the time of many universes to experience it all, to grow into and through and beyond further light and knowledge and whatever comes after that. I do not need to grow small now, leaving room for growth later without accidentally running out.

There is no end to growth. Grow, grow, baby.

Wading

To "wade" is to walk through a substance which impedes free motion or offers resistance to movement.

From Old English wadan meaning "move onward."

My top goal for 2020 centered around growing my faith through questions—not necessarily by finding direct answers, but by inviting and pondering and sitting with all the questions, and then furthering my relationship with divinity despite them. I promised myself that I would go down the rabbit holes regarding church history and doctrine and culture, and I got ready to wade through deep waters. As a girl who’s never learned to swim, this seemed a little scary (what if I lose my footing?), but I also felt an inextricable pull toward the work of building my faith in this way.

Now it’s July, and my wading in the last month has been more through the deep waters of anti-racism than those of religion. I spent a few days wondering if I was getting sidetracked, but my heart said, “Keep going,” and my gut said, “This matters,” and my brain had already intellectualized this issue since college (my lack of emotion on issues of race is problematic; now I know), so onward I plowed. The waters shifted, and I’m choosing not to fight the tide. I have a testimony that: this is an important direction for me to go.

But even as I go more in the direction I feel sent, I also feel resistance. I'm still wading, and wading implies impeded movement. The odd thing about these anti-racism waters is just...how familiar they feel. Those deep religious waters, which sometimes had me treading for a minute, gave me valuable experience. These anti-racism waters are also deep and also liable to make me tread, but now I have a little practice and a little muscle for it. When I come across a perspective or an idea that makes me flinch, I investigate why instead of looking away. When I feel resistance inside myself for what I’m discovering, I slacken my grip and try to understand the other side. And when I suddenly re-realize how badly I’m doing at all of this, I recommit because it’s worth continuing.

And *shrug* if that isn’t what I came into 2020 swinging at to begin with...

I’m not great at any of this (hello I’m prideful and angsty), but I’m growing important skills and I know it. Ultimately, I feel that all of this wading—this resistance-laden learning—takes me in the direction I care about most: toward Jesus. It’s worth the work of wading and of occasionally treading water, even as a non-swimmer, to get where I’m going. Would Jesus listen carefully to silenced voices? Would Jesus seek for the truth, even when it’s ugly? Would he do everything in his power to teach a better way? Would he stand firmly against racism? Resounding yes. And so with him I go.

I once sang a spiritual in school choir that says, “Wade in the water, children. God’s gonna trouble the water.” It references the New Testament story where Jesus heals a man at the pool of Bethesda. Troubled water sounds like bad news, but at this pool it meant miraculous healing for whomever jumped in. I see a parallel to this modern antiracism movement: God’s troubling our racist waters in such a way that we can’t miss it, and if we jump in we can experience healing. These troubled waters might look deep and scary, but I’ve been wading them for a bit now. And I gotta say: there is healing to be found in this pool. Please, dive on in! Goodness knows our country needs this healing. You need it, too.

Now real quick, go check those definitions at the top again. See the second one? The origin (in part) of the word “wade” includes moving onward. Onward in a new direction would be a great idea to start doing this July.

God’s gonna trouble the water. And that’s exactly why we should wade on through it.

POP QUIZ: 

T/F   Harriett Tubman sang this song along the Underground Railroad to teach freedom seekers how to throw off their enslavers.

Answer: False. Harriet used two songs to send signals as part of her underground work, but this wasn't one of them. Her messages were communicated by changing the tempo of the songs she sang to declare "safe" vs "not safe."

"I prayed to Got to make me strong and able to fight, and that's what I've always prayed for ever since." --Harriet Tubman

Day 50/100

Today is the midway point on my #100dayproject! An honest assessment: I'm losing some of my steam for sure. But also...I'm cool with that.

Just a couple weeks ago I mentioned how the main value of these 100 days will likely be the historical value of daily thoughts filtered through COVID as the world adjusts to "our new normal." If I still believe that (and I do), then I should clue you in that--for all intents and purposes--my new normal is already here. I see my family and Joe's family regularly on Sundays. It's summertime so my job is out of session. And my mental health is no longer swinging wildly like it was at the end of March. Hooray! COVID is definitely still relevant, but it's no longer controlling my life.

Since I have already achieved my main 100-day goal in these first 50 days, I'll need something else to keep me going for the next 50. Alternatively, I'll need to slow my posting to not-necessarily-every-day and switch to posting what I find to be actually valuable. I'm thinking I'll choose the second one? But I need a day to voice that and see how it feels before I decide officially. I'm not one to give up easily, but I am one to give up when it makes sense. (And a 50 day project is still pretty cool.)

Friendly COVID reminder to anyone who needs to hear it: You can start a project anytime! You can drop a project anytime! You can accept a challenge, and you can take a rest! You don't have to do both. (You are welcome to do both if it suits you.) You could be someone new on the other end! You could be infinitely more of your wonderful self on the other end. You can feel like it's already the end. You can feel like it'll never end! It's all allowed. You are allowed. You are enough.

Memorial Day celebrations!

This weekend was a PARTAY and I am hoping and praying that nobody I hung out with has COVID or else a lot of people are doomed (not really, but it tends to feel that way).

Friday was all about school parties. There were 2.5 of them that day. I kinda already blogged about it so I'll move right along.

On Saturday, I hung out with my girlfriends from high school for a lunch date at the park. We all brought our own blankets and camp chairs and food, and we had a jolly time chatting from six feet apart. I love those ladies, and it's always refreshing to get together.

Also on Saturday, I went to no fewer than four grocery stores to get random foods for the rest of the weekend's festivities. Apparently tracking down rainbow chip frosting at this time of year is a real chore...

On Sunday morning, I went to a family sacrament meeting with my family in the morning. I'd hoped to bring Brooks, but I knew he'd likely take a car nap if I did, and I wasn't willing to risk a missed nap.

And why not? Because on Sunday evening, we had Joseph's entire family (except Tara + Elijah, we missed you!) over to celebrate his birthday. It's not until Thursday, but we always celebrate family birthdays on Sundays with his fam. I used to debate whether we should try to celebrate on the day of his birthday with them, but I love that Sunday celebrations free up his actual birthday day for what he chooses to do (which is usually absurdly low-key, hehe).

Brooks about lost his mind with joy over having so many people at our house. He ran off with Grandpa at the beginning of the evening and spent the rest of the time with cousin after cousin after cousin. He was delighted to share his toys (I think?), and I was delighted to chat with adults instead of play in the toy room with him. I didn't think we'd be able to get him to bed while we still had guests, but I figured it was worth a shot and he did it! So now I'll be hosting parties all summer long. You're all invited.

Sunday night I went to game night with my family and Joseph stayed home to watch a movie. Both of us in our happy places = marital harmony. 

On Monday, we did the whole Sunday party thing again but with my side of the family and at my parents' house. Potluck BBQ on the deck (Jenna smoked a brisket!), dessert, games, cousins, etc. Brooks was delighted yet again and I'm starting to question my originally strong feeling that I have an introverted baby. He does way better lasting through family gatherings lately than he used to (but he's always done pretty darn well). Maybe it's the COVID isolation still leaking out of his system?? Anyway, kid loved seeing all the family people all weekend long. (I don't blame him. Family time is the best time.)

By the end of Monday I felt pretty partied out, but in a really good way. We started trying out a new routine today, and I got allllllllll motivated to set up some summer systems and very specific goals. Maybe I'll blog about it once I have the ball rollin a bit. In the meantime, here is the only picture I took of Brooks enjoying his company this weekend:

Live from my phone!

Wow, I have never tried posting a blog post from my phone cuz it’s always seemed like a hassle, but I’m trying it out tonight simply because I can’t be bothered to go 12 steps to get my laptop from the other room. The magic of technology allows me to be that lazy! What a time to be alive.

Anyway, a big old advantage to using my phone is that I can throw emojis in here like it’s NBD. Check it out: 😛🙌🏻♥️💩

And the only other thing I wanna test while I phone-blog for a second is whether I can get a picture on here and format it like I usually do on the computer. Sample pic:

This concludes my test of the emergency broadcast system. Thanks for joining me.

Last day of school (ever?!)

Today was my last day of school at MMHS. I'm expecting that I won't be returning to a teaching job in the fall, but I'm not planning to seal that door shut just yet (I have been replaced at MMHS, though). I'm not sure what job will earn my paycheck in August, but I have June and July to figure it out. That feels incredibly lucky.

I finished cleaning out my classroom yesterday and enjoyed the time alone in there for the first half of the day. Today was party day with all my coworkers. And between those two days + Wednesday graduation + Tuesday's cleaning with Joseph and Brooks, I'm feeling a good sense of closure.

Just me, graduating

Alone in my principles classroom (name that movie!)

Celebrating DeAnn's retirement! She's the principal and wearing a tiara.

Pretending to take a socially distant picture, hehe

I'm gonna miss my MMHS people! Might even miss my students ;) (DUH, OF COURSE)

Check back in August, and I'll letcha know what I'm up to then.

From the draft archives: Speedy snow cones

(Post written circa 2013, story happened....a year or two before that?)

I don't really have anything I came here to say, but I suppose I could tell you guys a story.

One time, my family and I went to get snow cones at the snow cone shack near Pizza Factory.
We didn't have Mariah or Mattea with us, and we felt bad going without them. 
So we bought two more snow cones as we left and thought it would be a good idea to just hold them in the car.
BAD, BAD IDEA.
They started spilling as we pulled out of the freaking parking lot. Like we hadn't even gone anywhere yet. 
So we pulled over to figure out a game plan...and came up with nothing.
(PS: I am laughing my head off while I type this and some girl is looking at me all funny because I am in a public place and this is like the funniest memory in my head, ever.)
So anyways, Jenna held one and I held one, and those things splooshed EVERYWHERE.
Every time we hit the smallest bump or took the slightest curve, they wanted to come out of the cup and into our laps. 
In a desperate attempt to save her purse and pants and other stuff, Jenna stuck Mariah's snow cone out her window and just held it there. 
And you wouldn't believe how entertaining it was to see that thing fly around out there.
Her spoon was, like, the first thing to go. It was gone the second we got up to 15 mph.

At 20 mph, we lost probably the top half of the cone, all at once.

At 25 mph, we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. The snow cone was sloughing off every second in chunks.

And meanwhile, I was still holding one inside the car. But laughing.

When we got back home, the snow cone Jenna had was--for all intents and purposes--entirely gone. Vanished! (LOLing again hahaha)

And the back of her side of the car was a rainbow mess. Like bird poop when you park under a tree, except...green and orange!

And her hand was stickier than it's probably ever been before or since.

But Mattea and Mariah shared the one I was holding, I think?

And thus we learned to NEVER transport a snow cone again.

2020 Alyssa here: this story still makes me giggle every time I remember it. Jenna is one of my favorite people to laugh with, always. Here's a pic of us in 2012 inside of a vehicle, which is about as close as we'll get to having a pic of the story above: