[It's been a while since I last brought up this issue, but I'm going to try to wrap up my not-really series on social media and comparison before this year ends. If you want to read what I already discussed, check out posts #1 here, #2 here, and #3 here.]
So 2014 began, and I embarked on my quest to KILL THE COMPARISON BEAST in my life, once and for all. Unfortunately, this goal was not one of those S.M.A.R.T goals you hear about in board meetings, so I didn't really know where to start. And to be honest, I'm not sure if I've accomplished the goal by now, either! But I like to think that, over the course of the year, I've gained some skills for at least diminishing the influence of the beast in my life.
I [kind of loosely] worked through the following skills sequentially. By that I mean that I tried to get really good at the first one, which helped me transition to the next one, which moved me into thinking about the next one, and so on. But also it was messier than all that, and I think that's a good thing. If you take any of my unsolicited advice, you just follow it in your own way, okay? Okay.
So! Here's my method.
:: Learn to recognize the beast when it comes to bite you in the rear. Did you just detect some sudden and unwarranted frustration with your life? Are you mad or sad about somebody's recent success? Maybe you're feeling a little left out or just plain stuck. Ack! There it is! There's the beast! For me, any of these emotions + social media usually equals "I've been comparing my life to somebody (or everybody) else's." If you can learn to quickly recognize an uncalled for negative emotion and tie it to its cause, I really believe that half the battle is won.
:: Realize that you're watching an edited film of others' lives. I promise that the people you feel jealous of have their own issues. Lest anyone feel jealous of me (heaven forbid), please know that I cringe nearly every time I look at the southwest corner of our living room. And please know that the previous sentence was edited to exclude that I also cringe nearly every time I look at the northeast corner of our living room. Even when people are being so utterly real with you online, they are still editing just how much realness you get. It's just a fact of internet life!
And this is both a blessing and a curse. I mean, nobody wants to read a narration of every single second of your existence, so thanks for editing. But a life edited into perfection is the beast's best weapon against you. So just step back and ask, "Is their life really perfect, though?" because it may have seemed that way for a moment, but I promise you that it's not. But! Be careful! The beast will bite again if you start feeling overjoyed when you consider what their specific problems might be. Learn to tell the difference between "you're imperfect HA!" and "you're imperfect, like me!" One hurts; one helps.
:: Reminisce about your own highlight reel. I like what @_megbird_ writes in her Instagram bio: This is the highlight reel, not reality. It's true! (See above.) So think about your highlight reel. Not the one on social media, though. I'm talking about the one of your real, actual life. What do you have going for YOU? Where have you been, literally or figuratively, and what did you learn there? Can you enjoy those memories instead of sulking? Where are you headed? Can you look forward to that with anticipation instead of resenting others' present successes? Is that just too many questions to answer before you scroll to the next Facebook post?? That's the point. Take a minute, a solid 60 seconds, and be grateful for what you do have. Chances are you've got something they might be jealous of, so check you out! (But another caution: the beast thrives on arrogance as well. I know, I ask for such delicate balances to be achieved here, but take my word for it! I've been there.)
This is my weapon of choice every time I see somebody's wedding video pop up on my feed. I looooooove watching wedding videos, but we didn't commission one for our own wedding because of reasons. I have a strong tendency to think angry thoughts toward people with seemingly perfect weddings captured through beautiful video footage, but because of that, I have also developed a true talent for letting those videos remind me of my own wedding, even as I watch them. And then sometimes (more often than I should admit), I'll just thumb through my wedding photos real quick for fun. Ahh, happiness. Gratitude is happiness. Say it with me now.
:: Give yourself a moment to switch from the negative to the positive. Do you magically feel so much better now about that person whom you disliked a second ago? Great! Recognize it and relish it. It feels good to like both your life and their life simultaneously, with absolutely no hard feelings and no comparison beast to be found. For me, this really does tie things up in a nice little bow so that I can move on with my day/week/life/whatever.
If happy feelings didn't just happen naturally, maybe that's an issue that runs a little more deeply in your soul or something. Keep working on it. The real and honest truth about life is this: everyone's doing their best to get along as best they know how. At the bare minimum, give this benefit of the doubt to your self or your opponent (or both, I suppose) and move on. Give that beast another fight another time.
:: Post a friendly comment! If you're really in the mood to stick it to the beast, leave a compliment on the very thing you originally envied. Make it genuine and simple and altogether you. If being happy for everyone feels good, spreading that around feels better. And as I've tried to do this, I've learned that people can usually tell when you're posting something with the intention to be deliberately sincere. They usually respond in kind.
A few other thoughts that didn't warrant their own beast-themed bullet points but that I want to share:
:: I made a folder on my phone that is dedicated to social media platforms and called it "Time Wasters." It's been hugely helpful for me to admit that I'm throwing away minutes every time I go in there to check on the world. "None of it really matters! Acknowledge it while you still can!" That's basically how I feel.
:: I've noticed that comparison is often not even an issue when I am physically standing next to a person who is telling me good news. I very naturally exclaim a "Congratulations!" and other happy sentiments, and I mean them! The problem occurs either later, after we've all gone home, or when it's a long distance reveal, as through social media. Hence the focus on social media here instead of just normal-life comparisons.
:: Choosing to be real in my own internet postings (example, example, example) greatly helped me in my quest this year. I realized how and why people edit so much when I tried deliberately to post things that weren't so hunky-dory. I realized that it's not a bad thing that we all post happy stuff for the majority of our postings, but it's also not a bad thing if somebody wants to post something outside that norm. It normalizes actual life. That's good.
So there you have it. Go kill the comparison beast in your own life. You can do it! I know you can! And feel free to tell me your success stories here because--hello--of course I want to hear them.
I wish you luck in your quest!
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