Boys: Take note of this one.

To the couple sitting in front of me at the Marriott tonight: 

You're cute together; really, you are. I think it's awesome that you chose to spend your Sunday evening together at the patriotic service with your family. I would just like to call to your attention a small issue that affected my family and our ability to enjoy this incredible fireside.

I don't know if you've noticed, but seating at the Marriott is tight. Any building built to seat almost 23,000 people at one time is bound to be a little squishy, and this one is no exception. You probably took note when you sat down that your knees barely fit in the space between you and the next row, so I don't know why you didn't realize that would apply to all the other rows as well, including the one directly behind you. This is what I would like to address. 

You see, I was able to handle the hair flips that tickled my knees; I'll admit that I accidentally did that to the poor boys behind me as well. I was also fine when you put your heads on each others' shoulders and held hands after we stood for the flag. These small issues only barely tapped my already diminished personal bubble, and I can write them off as normal. However, when you, sir, put your arm around her shoulders, you left me a mere inch and a half in which to re-situate. You had to know my knees were there because your entire arm rubbed across the stubble from my not having shaved in the hurry to get to church today. I'll apologize for that slightly uncomfortable moment, but you should know that it was secretly a hint to move your arm back to hand-holding. 

Because you failed to recognize this hint, I was forced to move my knees entirely to one side, which in turn forced my sister to move her knees entirely to one side, resulting in an uncomfortable situation for us all. My brother-in-law would also like you to know that his knees were left with literally nowhere to go. This might not seem like a big deal, and it may not have been had it ended after 5 minutes; unfortunately, you insisted on remaining in "arm around" position for a solid hour. Let me just tell you that my poor legs were complaining by the end of that one, and I'm sure my family members felt the same. 

I am all for love and relationships, especially at the cute stage of life you both are in right now. But please feel free to realize your error tonight and fix it for the future patrons of the Marriott who find themselves behind the two of you. I feel safe in speaking for the entire community of Provo when I say that we will appreciate it. Thank you. 

Sincerely, 

Lys.

PS: I hope you never actually read this...