Wading

To "wade" is to walk through a substance which impedes free motion or offers resistance to movement.

From Old English wadan meaning "move onward."

My top goal for 2020 centered around growing my faith through questions—not necessarily by finding direct answers, but by inviting and pondering and sitting with all the questions, and then furthering my relationship with divinity despite them. I promised myself that I would go down the rabbit holes regarding church history and doctrine and culture, and I got ready to wade through deep waters. As a girl who’s never learned to swim, this seemed a little scary (what if I lose my footing?), but I also felt an inextricable pull toward the work of building my faith in this way.

Now it’s July, and my wading in the last month has been more through the deep waters of anti-racism than those of religion. I spent a few days wondering if I was getting sidetracked, but my heart said, “Keep going,” and my gut said, “This matters,” and my brain had already intellectualized this issue since college (my lack of emotion on issues of race is problematic; now I know), so onward I plowed. The waters shifted, and I’m choosing not to fight the tide. I have a testimony that: this is an important direction for me to go.

But even as I go more in the direction I feel sent, I also feel resistance. I'm still wading, and wading implies impeded movement. The odd thing about these anti-racism waters is just...how familiar they feel. Those deep religious waters, which sometimes had me treading for a minute, gave me valuable experience. These anti-racism waters are also deep and also liable to make me tread, but now I have a little practice and a little muscle for it. When I come across a perspective or an idea that makes me flinch, I investigate why instead of looking away. When I feel resistance inside myself for what I’m discovering, I slacken my grip and try to understand the other side. And when I suddenly re-realize how badly I’m doing at all of this, I recommit because it’s worth continuing.

And *shrug* if that isn’t what I came into 2020 swinging at to begin with...

I’m not great at any of this (hello I’m prideful and angsty), but I’m growing important skills and I know it. Ultimately, I feel that all of this wading—this resistance-laden learning—takes me in the direction I care about most: toward Jesus. It’s worth the work of wading and of occasionally treading water, even as a non-swimmer, to get where I’m going. Would Jesus listen carefully to silenced voices? Would Jesus seek for the truth, even when it’s ugly? Would he do everything in his power to teach a better way? Would he stand firmly against racism? Resounding yes. And so with him I go.

I once sang a spiritual in school choir that says, “Wade in the water, children. God’s gonna trouble the water.” It references the New Testament story where Jesus heals a man at the pool of Bethesda. Troubled water sounds like bad news, but at this pool it meant miraculous healing for whomever jumped in. I see a parallel to this modern antiracism movement: God’s troubling our racist waters in such a way that we can’t miss it, and if we jump in we can experience healing. These troubled waters might look deep and scary, but I’ve been wading them for a bit now. And I gotta say: there is healing to be found in this pool. Please, dive on in! Goodness knows our country needs this healing. You need it, too.

Now real quick, go check those definitions at the top again. See the second one? The origin (in part) of the word “wade” includes moving onward. Onward in a new direction would be a great idea to start doing this July.

God’s gonna trouble the water. And that’s exactly why we should wade on through it.

POP QUIZ: 

T/F   Harriett Tubman sang this song along the Underground Railroad to teach freedom seekers how to throw off their enslavers.

Answer: False. Harriet used two songs to send signals as part of her underground work, but this wasn't one of them. Her messages were communicated by changing the tempo of the songs she sang to declare "safe" vs "not safe."

"I prayed to Got to make me strong and able to fight, and that's what I've always prayed for ever since." --Harriet Tubman

Day 50/100

Today is the midway point on my #100dayproject! An honest assessment: I'm losing some of my steam for sure. But also...I'm cool with that.

Just a couple weeks ago I mentioned how the main value of these 100 days will likely be the historical value of daily thoughts filtered through COVID as the world adjusts to "our new normal." If I still believe that (and I do), then I should clue you in that--for all intents and purposes--my new normal is already here. I see my family and Joe's family regularly on Sundays. It's summertime so my job is out of session. And my mental health is no longer swinging wildly like it was at the end of March. Hooray! COVID is definitely still relevant, but it's no longer controlling my life.

Since I have already achieved my main 100-day goal in these first 50 days, I'll need something else to keep me going for the next 50. Alternatively, I'll need to slow my posting to not-necessarily-every-day and switch to posting what I find to be actually valuable. I'm thinking I'll choose the second one? But I need a day to voice that and see how it feels before I decide officially. I'm not one to give up easily, but I am one to give up when it makes sense. (And a 50 day project is still pretty cool.)

Friendly COVID reminder to anyone who needs to hear it: You can start a project anytime! You can drop a project anytime! You can accept a challenge, and you can take a rest! You don't have to do both. (You are welcome to do both if it suits you.) You could be someone new on the other end! You could be infinitely more of your wonderful self on the other end. You can feel like it's already the end. You can feel like it'll never end! It's all allowed. You are allowed. You are enough.

Memorial Day celebrations!

This weekend was a PARTAY and I am hoping and praying that nobody I hung out with has COVID or else a lot of people are doomed (not really, but it tends to feel that way).

Friday was all about school parties. There were 2.5 of them that day. I kinda already blogged about it so I'll move right along.

On Saturday, I hung out with my girlfriends from high school for a lunch date at the park. We all brought our own blankets and camp chairs and food, and we had a jolly time chatting from six feet apart. I love those ladies, and it's always refreshing to get together.

Also on Saturday, I went to no fewer than four grocery stores to get random foods for the rest of the weekend's festivities. Apparently tracking down rainbow chip frosting at this time of year is a real chore...

On Sunday morning, I went to a family sacrament meeting with my family in the morning. I'd hoped to bring Brooks, but I knew he'd likely take a car nap if I did, and I wasn't willing to risk a missed nap.

And why not? Because on Sunday evening, we had Joseph's entire family (except Tara + Elijah, we missed you!) over to celebrate his birthday. It's not until Thursday, but we always celebrate family birthdays on Sundays with his fam. I used to debate whether we should try to celebrate on the day of his birthday with them, but I love that Sunday celebrations free up his actual birthday day for what he chooses to do (which is usually absurdly low-key, hehe).

Brooks about lost his mind with joy over having so many people at our house. He ran off with Grandpa at the beginning of the evening and spent the rest of the time with cousin after cousin after cousin. He was delighted to share his toys (I think?), and I was delighted to chat with adults instead of play in the toy room with him. I didn't think we'd be able to get him to bed while we still had guests, but I figured it was worth a shot and he did it! So now I'll be hosting parties all summer long. You're all invited.

Sunday night I went to game night with my family and Joseph stayed home to watch a movie. Both of us in our happy places = marital harmony. 

On Monday, we did the whole Sunday party thing again but with my side of the family and at my parents' house. Potluck BBQ on the deck (Jenna smoked a brisket!), dessert, games, cousins, etc. Brooks was delighted yet again and I'm starting to question my originally strong feeling that I have an introverted baby. He does way better lasting through family gatherings lately than he used to (but he's always done pretty darn well). Maybe it's the COVID isolation still leaking out of his system?? Anyway, kid loved seeing all the family people all weekend long. (I don't blame him. Family time is the best time.)

By the end of Monday I felt pretty partied out, but in a really good way. We started trying out a new routine today, and I got allllllllll motivated to set up some summer systems and very specific goals. Maybe I'll blog about it once I have the ball rollin a bit. In the meantime, here is the only picture I took of Brooks enjoying his company this weekend:

Live from my phone!

Wow, I have never tried posting a blog post from my phone cuz it’s always seemed like a hassle, but I’m trying it out tonight simply because I can’t be bothered to go 12 steps to get my laptop from the other room. The magic of technology allows me to be that lazy! What a time to be alive.

Anyway, a big old advantage to using my phone is that I can throw emojis in here like it’s NBD. Check it out: 😛🙌🏻♥️💩

And the only other thing I wanna test while I phone-blog for a second is whether I can get a picture on here and format it like I usually do on the computer. Sample pic:

This concludes my test of the emergency broadcast system. Thanks for joining me.

Last day of school (ever?!)

Today was my last day of school at MMHS. I'm expecting that I won't be returning to a teaching job in the fall, but I'm not planning to seal that door shut just yet (I have been replaced at MMHS, though). I'm not sure what job will earn my paycheck in August, but I have June and July to figure it out. That feels incredibly lucky.

I finished cleaning out my classroom yesterday and enjoyed the time alone in there for the first half of the day. Today was party day with all my coworkers. And between those two days + Wednesday graduation + Tuesday's cleaning with Joseph and Brooks, I'm feeling a good sense of closure.

Just me, graduating

Alone in my principles classroom (name that movie!)

Celebrating DeAnn's retirement! She's the principal and wearing a tiara.

Pretending to take a socially distant picture, hehe

I'm gonna miss my MMHS people! Might even miss my students ;) (DUH, OF COURSE)

Check back in August, and I'll letcha know what I'm up to then.

From the draft archives: Speedy snow cones

(Post written circa 2013, story happened....a year or two before that?)

I don't really have anything I came here to say, but I suppose I could tell you guys a story.

One time, my family and I went to get snow cones at the snow cone shack near Pizza Factory.
We didn't have Mariah or Mattea with us, and we felt bad going without them. 
So we bought two more snow cones as we left and thought it would be a good idea to just hold them in the car.
BAD, BAD IDEA.
They started spilling as we pulled out of the freaking parking lot. Like we hadn't even gone anywhere yet. 
So we pulled over to figure out a game plan...and came up with nothing.
(PS: I am laughing my head off while I type this and some girl is looking at me all funny because I am in a public place and this is like the funniest memory in my head, ever.)
So anyways, Jenna held one and I held one, and those things splooshed EVERYWHERE.
Every time we hit the smallest bump or took the slightest curve, they wanted to come out of the cup and into our laps. 
In a desperate attempt to save her purse and pants and other stuff, Jenna stuck Mariah's snow cone out her window and just held it there. 
And you wouldn't believe how entertaining it was to see that thing fly around out there.
Her spoon was, like, the first thing to go. It was gone the second we got up to 15 mph.

At 20 mph, we lost probably the top half of the cone, all at once.

At 25 mph, we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. The snow cone was sloughing off every second in chunks.

And meanwhile, I was still holding one inside the car. But laughing.

When we got back home, the snow cone Jenna had was--for all intents and purposes--entirely gone. Vanished! (LOLing again hahaha)

And the back of her side of the car was a rainbow mess. Like bird poop when you park under a tree, except...green and orange!

And her hand was stickier than it's probably ever been before or since.

But Mattea and Mariah shared the one I was holding, I think?

And thus we learned to NEVER transport a snow cone again.

2020 Alyssa here: this story still makes me giggle every time I remember it. Jenna is one of my favorite people to laugh with, always. Here's a pic of us in 2012 inside of a vehicle, which is about as close as we'll get to having a pic of the story above:

These goons

Made an overflowing bowl of popcorn to go share with these goons instead of blogging tonight. Byeeeeeeee.

Empty classroom, full heart

Today Joseph and Brooks joined me at school for a few hours to help me dismantle and pack up my classroom decor.

I was surprised by the brand of sentimentality I felt. I have historically worked pretty hard to keep my work and home life quite separate, but--likely because Joseph was working with me--the majority of what I remembered from the last five years had nothing to do with school. I will take the rest of the week to reminisce on classroom interactions and the parade of students in that space. Today, I instead remembered some very critical points in our marriage story over these last five years.

For most of the difficult points so far in our marital journey, my classroom was the one space I had where I could guarantee some truly alone time every single day. And it was a nice large space for that alone time! (I will miss having a whole classroom to myself at any future job.) During my prep period, I would work on grading and lesson plans, but I would also use that solo time to turn on some good tunes and process some hard sh...stuff. Those tunes have all stayed on my classroom playlists, and I turned on those playlists today. Cue the memories.

In stark and beautiful contrast to some of those times, our work today felt like comfortably coordinated partnership. I feel so grateful for the ways our marriage has evolved since my first year of teaching. I feel so relieved that we have already overcome so much; it makes whatever still lies before us seem less intimidating to know that it "looks like we made it" thus far. And maybe after feeling so warm and fuzzy about us today, I'll add this lovely Shania song to my playlist for the last few classroom days that I'll likely ever have:

Can't say I recommend this music video (what is even the point and how does anything about the beach relate to the lyrics of this song? the 90s were wild, man), but I do recommend Joseph as a husband. Also, I can't really recommend him because he's mine and you can't have him. He is my biggest cheerleader for every career decision, and I need that in my life. Bless you, Joseph! And thanks for helpin me clear out today. "We beat the odds together!" ❤️

Master Meals List

I've heard recently from a couple people about their "master meals list," where they record the meals they make regularly and pull from the list to create a meal plan and grocery list. I considered making one a couple months ago, but as I thought about it, I realized I already have a Pinterest board for that.

It's a smallish board, but I don't put anything on there unless I'm guaranteed to make it again and again. It grows by 5-8 recipes a year. If I'm at the store and an ingredient for one of these well-loved recipes is on a great sale, I can easily ensure that I have the other ingredients by running to my Pinterest board real quick. If I'm just feeling blah about meal planning, I can usually make at least a few of these meals from ingredients I just always have on hand. And because I'm familiar with these recipes, I can sometimes concoct a version of one even with substitutions galore because I've made it enough times already.

I agree with the "master meals list" people that it's a game-changer to have this list.

Here are a few super notable ones from this "Success Stories" board. If you're in a slump and you want some meal ideas, these are my ultimate go-to's.

:: The "meat and potatoes" winners: this balsamic chicken (do not skip the fresh rosemary) or a crock pot roast

:: (If you have mushrooms instead of potatoes: THIS balsamic chicken with double the mushrooms)

:: The "fewest ingredients" winner: this pasta dish (but don't underestimate how good it is)

:: The "Panda Express fake-out" winner: sweet and sour chicken (one of Joe's faves)

:: The "ones I make just for me to enjoy and don't share with Joseph" winners: fart veggies and rainbow salad

:: The "delicious homemade junk food" winners: pizza loaf or chicken nuggets or mac 'n' cheese (OMG that macaroni will kill you dead of goodness...don't have the heat up too high while you stir in the cheese or it might seize a bit)

But truly, every recipe on that board is just yum and you should try it out if it looks like your jam.

And now a question: Should I or should I not repeat this post with links to all my favorite treats??? I'll pray about it. 

Sabbath Study

Guys! I just missed two days of blogging in a row and didn't even think about it once on either day. A past version of myself would have composed three blog posts tonight and retroactively timestamped the ones for the last two days to create the illusion of perfection. I'm glad that past bit of self has died. So...as if it never happened:

I try to spend Sundays combing through more of my 2020 church study materials than I usually read on a regular day of the week. It requires me to surrender Harry Potter for a day and I feel it is a healthy exercise for me to do so. (Plus, during COVID, it helps me keep track of the Sabbath.)

Anyway, here's what I worked on today.

1) I listened to @thefaithfulfeminists Q&A video on Instagram while driving around to family engagements. Surprised myself by not agreeing with much of it, but I was happy to listen to their perspectives and always appreciate conversations about women and church coming together.

2) I participated in a Relief Society Zoom meeting with my ward. We discussed a talk that I thought I loved but the conversation landed in a direction I didn't love. I plan to reread the talk tonight before bed.

3) I read the next article in the spring 2020 edition of Dialogue, but I'll link you to the one I've thought about most from this week of reading. (I'm about halfway through now.)

4) I began reading through Ben Spackman's free course "Interpreting Scripture, History, Science, and Creation." His first link was to an essay I had previously read, so I skimmed it and then read the next section of articles as well. I may expand and then share a comment I posted on one of them later in the week.

5) I studied my scriptures. Tried to read closely through Mosiah 23-24. Pondered a bit of the material in the Come Follow Me manual that accompanies this week's study.

6) I skimmed the self-assessment tool for faith crises created and shared by a Facebook group I'm currently lurking in (it's called Uplift Community of Faith if that resource is something you'd like to see more of). I don't consider my 2020 studies to be a faith crisis, and I didn't personally relate to more than a few of the self-assessment statements, but I'll probably click all the links there eventually and sift through their coursework.

And normally I would have had time to watch this week's edition of Don't Miss This and/or reach a chapter of Planted, but I spent extra time with family today instead (worth it). 

I share this linked-up list (which now seems overwhelming and probably over-the-top) for a couple reasons. One of them is to corral a few links I'll be returning to later. I mentioned earlier that my blog may become a church-y spot after 100 days have passed and that I need to find a system for collecting and sorting links I don't have time for in the moment I discover them. This is my first attempt at building a collection to reference later (and thereby being able to close a few near-permanent tabs, whew!).

A more significant reason, however, is my hope that this could be helpful to someone else. If you have church questions, some of this is gold! If you have some free time but no questions, perhaps I may introduce you to topics you haven't considered but that will ultimately be faith-promoting to you. If you have a moment of free time, click the link that sounds most interesting and then holler at me about it! I would love to have an actual conversation about any of this with someone beyond my spouse (I am afeared that I shall eventually tire him with my searchings and findings).

So there is today's curriculum. Don't be too surprised to see more along these lines in the future, but I will try not to make it be every single post. At least....I will try that for now ;) Happy Sabbath, all!

Currently #2

Buying :  shoes for a toddler

Pondering :  Dialogue's spring 2020 issue (all about women!)

Cooking :  two dinners because I spent the day fasting

Making :  music

Giggling :  at this Brooks video

Enjoying :  cooler weather

Wondering :  if we can keep getting free school lunch all summer

Wearing :  no makeup

Deciding :  to pass all my students!

Reading :  Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Thinking :  we gotta get that drip fixed

Feeling :  stress over scheduling a test

Eating :  a late-night bowl of cereal, yum

Loving :  the neighbor girls who befriended us this week

Needing :  to share these pictures

Legit took a bite out of that lime and swallowed it like a monster

Model pose haha

Ugh too precious

Hehe, my old intro page (circa 2013)

Well hello and welcome!
My name is Alyssa. What's yours?
I run this little corner of the internet.
Sometimes it's a humorous corner. Sometimes it's a picturesque corner (note: my pictures ≠ photography. Just FYI). 
Lots of times it's a sarcastic corner... #sorrynotsorry
But everything I post follows my blogosophy.

I feel like blogging is (unfortunately) an inherently self-centered activity, so I'm about to talk about myself. Sorry.

You may be interested to know the following: 
I enjoy brownies and fresh flowers. I do not enjoy doing laundry.
I come from a family of five daughters (think Fiddler on the Roof).
I used to play Bach, Beethoven, and Brahms every day, but my classical piano skills have slipped since I quit taking lessons after my senior year of high school. I'm working to bring them back because music is very important to me.
I am currently a math ed student Brigham Young University, and it is such a blessing in my life to attend a school so close to home with so many friendly people and so many opportunities to grow. College rocks.
My favorite color is yellow, my favorite article of clothing is a warm hoodie, and my favorite movie is What's Up, Doc?
I do puzzles in my free time. 
I love math and infinite things.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (You might know us as the Mormons.) I know that God loves us all infinitely and equally, as we are all His literal children. I'm working to develop such love toward others while striving to become like Jesus Christ. You can hear more from other LDS members at this website. 

So yeah, that's about it. Questions, comments, or concerns? Feel free to drop me a line at

littlebitoflys(at)gmail(dot)com

I'd love to hear from you!

Oh, and thanks for stopping by :)

--------------------------------------

2020 Alyssa here: I would make an overhaul edit if this were still linked to the picture of my face over there on the right sidebar. Maybe I will do just that in the nearish future. But for now, here are the immediate edits I would make. 

:: My blogosophy is different. Maybe I'll rewrite that, too.

:: I don't mind laundry so much anymore.

:: I have gone through a few cycles of playing piano regularly since 2013, but I play ever decreasingly as I get older. I'm less sad about it than I used to be. I did teach myself a lovely piece last year and I have a secret dream to pay my old piano teacher for one more lesson to get his input on it (COVID started soon after I tracked down his phone number).

:: No longer a college student. *crying cuz I love homework so much* (That wasn't sarcasm.)

:: I don't really have a favorite movie anymore. I just....don't really watch movies very much?

:: And I'm not allowed say I'm a "Mormon" anymore. (RMN says so.)

I feel totally different and totally the same compared to my 2013 self. This was a gem to find tonight. Hope you enjoyed.

COVID Homework #3 (last one)

This is your final assignment of the school year. Yaaaaaayyyyyyy! Today I'll have you look at just a couple more COVID graphs, and then you have a hopefully easy homework assignment.

We've looked at the Utah graph of COVID cases for the last two days. On Tuesday (May 5), Scott posted a new graph with a new trend line. Check it out:

Scott fondly refers to this one as the "McDonald's Curve" because of that double peak shape. He first posted it as somewhat of a joke because no other COVID case graphs seem to match this, but the numbers have indeed followed that second (yellow) peak throughout this week. Crazy! (Part of this may be attributed to a change in testing numbers; starting on April 14, Utah started testing way higher numbers of people each day. More people tested means more cases discovered, but the overall percentage of positive cases has actually decreased since testing ramped up.)

I show you this graph because some of you were interested to see it. Some of you also asked for the USA graph, so I'll share that one with you here:

Do you notice how after the peak of cases in the USA arrived, cases haven't really decreased as Scott predicted? Rather, they've stayed kind of high and fairly steady. He might need to revise this line as well. Do you think it will look like the double peak in Utah?

There is another country Scott has watched and graphed whose peak seemed rather stretched out like this (quite a contrast from the Italy graph we looked at last time). That country is Sweden. Sweden from the beginning of COVID chose not to close down their schools, stores, and economy. Instead, they decided to work toward building "herd immunity" in their population by allowing most people to be out and about with caution. It's been a somewhat polarizing news story over time.

Sweden and Norway are neighboring countries who have handled COVID differently: Norway shut down and Sweden did not. You can see that difference in the general shapes of their two graphs (no smooth curve for you here, but hopefully you can tell what it might look like). It seems after this week like Sweden's cases have maybe finally started to decrease. Their death rate has been somewhat high (particularly among older adults), but their hospitals have not been overwhelmed and life has mostly continued as normal during these last two months of crazy in the rest of the world.

What I find interesting is that the USA and Utah graphs are starting to look more like Sweden's graph than Norway's and Italy's graphs. What does this mean?? It doesn't make sense given that both places have had higher levels of "locked down" than Sweden ever did. But I know that Utah's hospitals have been far from overwhelmed and our death rate is abnormally low (I'm not sure about the USA metrics on those two questions). It makes me wonder: have Utahns all secretly been getting together just enough to replicate the herd immunity model of Sweden while still staying apart just enough to keep the curve from overwhelming the system?

 

I'm curious what questions this raises for you and what you think might be the answers to those questions. For your final assignment:

1) Ask a couple questions about what you've read here and then take a stab at answering them! No right or wrong questions or answers here. I'm truly baffled by the graphs I'm seeing lately, and I'd love to hear what you think.

2) Unrelated to this COVID math project: Find some way to memorialize these strange months where the world shut down. It can be something you've already started working on, or you can totally double up if you have a similar project in a different class. To earn the points for this part of the assignment, tell me about what you did or what your plan is and then GO DO IT! :)

Your math notes and test scores won't matter as much as this assignment will in 20 years. If you have some spare time, make it something that you'll be proud to look back on and hang on to (either in physical or digital form). History will be glad you kept some record.

You should know that I'm doing this assignment as well! I'm blogging for 100 days straight on my college blog (which I basically haven't touched since college, haha) about whatever topic seems relevant for that day. Sometimes it's COVID-related and sometimes it's a complaint about allergies or pictures of my toddler. But it's quarantine life, memorialized.

Ideas if you need them: Backwrite a few journal entries from days where the news was important. Create a Google doc of news "clippings" as things open back up by copying and pasting. Take a selfie for each week of quarantine and compile them in one place. Write a story or a song or a series of haiku poetry about what it feels like to be stuck at home. Video the empty streets and stores (or busy streets and stores as they open up) with some commentary behind the camera to explain what's unique about this time. Or come up with your own project! Anything goes.

Where do we go from here?

I surprised myself when I took up the 100 day project. It was a combination of Gretchen Rubin and Elise Joy wisdom that convinced me to do it. Gretchen says that sometimes adding one more thing when you feel you can't add any things will solve your problem (so get yourself a Flemish giant rabbit if it seems you should). Elise said that her favorite 100 day project was when she chose to write, and she proposed that simply journaling during this bonkers COVID time would be of such worth later on. I trust both these ladies, and so I jumped.

Now I've been thinking about what this blog might look like, sound like, and still be useful for after I finish my #100dayproject. (Today is Day 33, which means 1/3 of the way through!) I originally hoped to curb some of my scrolling with blogging instead, and I've been successful on that front. That's a good impact already, and I'll take it.

But what about this digital relic of my college years? Is it still a relevant way for me to record my thoughts on the internet? One of my top goals for 2020 is to write, and this blog is meeting that goal for the next 67 days. But what about after that? If I want to continue to write, should I put all of it here? Having a personal blog was THE THING when I graduated high school, and I was so proud to start one and editorialize my life a bit. I'm not so interested in that anymore, but perhaps my latest interests can still become postable in the current social media scene. 

Perhaps my real question is: why did "write" make it onto my 2020 goal list?? I can probably begin to answer that now, and it has something to do with my shift in blogging interests. Part of it is what came out of my heart yesterday. And it's obvious if I compare the blogs I used to follow with the blogs I now follow. I used to love the game of making a magazine out of my life; it felt artistic and entertaining. But now I crave the meaty discussions that happen in comment sections among respectful adults with differing opinions. (The same could be said for my other social media feeds as well.)

Rather than just consume those meaty posts, I feel a burgeoning need to have some skin in the game. I have so so so many church musings and findings lately, and nowhere lasting for them to go. I have a lot of political musings, particularly now that COVID has become a political issue instead of a public health crisis (was it always political?). And I have parenting ideas, thoughts on womanhood and sisterhood (so many), and career changing concerns. Sometimes my brain feels like it might burst from the large issues swimming around up there.

So far, I'm not writing meaty posts with my 100 day project. That's mostly because posting every single day makes it hard to set aside enough time for a post that takes longer than 30 minutes to compose. But after I meet my goal, or perhaps even before then (what if the goal all along was just to write meat?), I will have the time and the space and the habit (!) to take my thoughts out of my brain and compose them into articles or essays. Perhaps I will even write ones worth discussing.

The longer I do this project, the more grateful I am that I started. Likely the most valuable part of this 100 day chunk will simply be as a historical record wherein COVID-19 was so clearly a part of life. My life felt ruled by COVID at the beginning of the project, and now my blog will chronicle the loosening of restrictions and the effects of that on day-to-day life. Future historians, you are welcome.

But after July 16? Expect to see more depth. Personally, I can't wait to get there.

Mother's Day Study

Happy Mother's Day. I have been looking toward this day with a bit of apprehension this year, and I'm not entirely sure why. I think a part of it stems from my church-related studies for 2020 and the discoveries I have made regarding women in church throughout LDS history. I haven't found many stories that are grisly and blatantly demoralizing, nor have I had any testimony-severing experiences in my search. I have found many wonderful stories of leading ladies and faithful women who challenged the status quo. I'm grateful for this.

However, the more I've studied, the more I've needed to add supports to the previously weak bridge that I had built and traversed between "what I hear in church/cultural contexts about women" and "what I actually believe about women." My experiences with women in the world and with God throughout the world have shown me the value--infinite and eternal--of women. My church preaches that infinite value as well! But if I placed the teachings of the church on one side of a scale and the actions of the church on the other side of the scale, I'm not sure it would balance. The patriarchal model of my church leans hard on its benevolence, and I'm still reconciling that with my understanding of the nature of God (meaning Heavenly Father and Mother together) and the work of God's people on earth. The bridge is getting stronger and I am more able to readily traverse between ideas on both sides. But it takes work and I need to keep building if I intend to stay (and I do).

(It has been both particularly difficult and particularly easy lately. Not having church means I can filter my own studies to include ideas I mostly agree with (easy!). But not having church means I've become keenly aware of the hierarchy of family structures in the church...and mine is not presently at the top of the hierarchy (hard). COVID has revealed this and other female church issues in a stark way for me.)

So today, in an effort to celebrate Mother and mothers, I opted to spend most of my free time studying scholarly articles on Heavenly Mother. Where is she found in scripture? What about in the historical records of the church? I answered these and a few related questions through my study. I felt connected to Her in a way I never have before. And what a way to celebrate motherhood! I will end this day feeling more valued and convinced of my eternal nature and potential than on perhaps any past Mother's Day in my life.

"Her Eye is on the Sparrow" by Heather Kay

"In Her Image" by Amber Eldredge

I have other thoughts about motherhood and womanhood and church and kids and parenting and my own family and all the topics that tend to come up on Mother's Day, but for now they take a back seat. I have a Mother God who loves me and knows me and is involved in my life. And I'll rest easy for tonight knowing that.

COVID Homework #2

Hi, just reminding you that I'm a teacher who nerds out about data and therefore made assignments about COVID for my students. I like these assignments enough to share them and remember them so here you go.

Welcome to day two (of three) regarding COVID data. Today I have some background info for you and some questions (yours and mine) that I'd like you to try and answer.

I shared Scott Bond's Utah graph from April 28 last time. I'd like you to understand a bit about his data collection and graph before we continue, so I'll use his graph of the COVID numbers from Italy to describe.

Scott always graphs three lines. The first line is the raw data, AKA the actual number of new cases each day. For the Italy (and Utah) graph, that is represented by the grey and most jagged line.

Now, Scott noticed that the numbers from day to day sometimes vary greatly and for unrelated reasons to COVID spread (for example, Utah's testing always slows on Saturday and Sunday, which means the Monday numbers tend to be higher). So he averages the last five days of data and plots those points as a new line. This smooths out the data a bit, and on the Italy graph you can see it as the light green line (light purple on Utah's graph). This line is still bumpy, but it gives a better snapshot of whether case numbers are increasing or decreasing over time.

Finally, based on that 5-day average line, Scott writes an equation for a bell-shaped line that will best fit the data. He just keeps guessing and checking until he finds one that fits nicely, and then as the data changes over time, he adjusts the final graph. Check out this graph from April 20 where Scott realized the right side of the curve should be less steep than the left side of the curve for Italy:

Do you see how the jagged lines started to be too far away from Scott's smooth green curve? When he could tell this was happening (it takes a few days of data to know there is a deviating pattern), he wrote a new equation (the red line) that would better fit. The red line in this graph is the green line you saw in the first graph...and the data since April 20 has stayed much closer to this new smooth line!

 

Okay, so now let's go back to the Utah graph which I shared with you last time:

Your assignment today is to practice reading this graph. Respond to these questions and recognize that there may not be a particular right answer to each of them. Use the graph to help you!

1) Overall, how well do you think Scott's purple line fits the COVID numbers for Utah? Explain.

2) If you were Scott, would you review and/or rewrite your equation for the smooth purple line? Why or why not?

3) Describe the story this graph tells about COVID-19 in Utah. (Use the raw data and/or the 5-day average if you disagreed earlier with Scott's smooth purple line.)

4) Based on the graph, what do you predict happened with Utah's data between April 28 (the end of this graph) and May 7 (today)? (You are welcome to look up this data on Scott's FB profile if it interests you. We will also see that data next time.) What do you predict will happen after today?

5) What are the advantages and disadvantages of having a mathematical model that predicts future COVID numbers? Name and explain a couple.

Optional 6) What new questions do you have about the graph?

Personalities

Tonight I took an Enneagram test. It is the first time I've ever made it through a whole one because those Enneagram ones are always long! And the questions on them are annoying to me (heavy on emotions, I get that that's the point). But I knew my results would come in beautiful rainbow form, so I persisted. And guys, apparently I am four Enneagram types. *eye roll*

I'm sorry that I rolled my eyes at the Enneagram if you love it, but getting back fully half of the possible results as "my personality type(s)" feels a little bit like when you do the homework and then the teacher says, "Ehhhh I decided not to make you guys turn that one in." Why did I even take this test??

My percentage match numbers for the large pie pieces are as follows: 98% match for type 1, 97% match for type 5, 95% match for type 8, and 91% match for type 3. I guess I just get to choose whichever personality is most convenient at a given moment?

Here's my analysis based on these type descriptors: Type 3 is my lowest because I traded in some of my "excelling" and "drive" from high school for some relaxing during college. My Type 8 is a bit of a fluke but it came through because I consider myself confident as a leader. I am not, however, particularly "confrontational" (heavens!) or "decisive." The words "secretive" and "isolated" from Type 5 make me cringe, and I don't feel particularly perceptive. But a different list of descriptors said, "Fives are more comfortable with data than people," and that might be true for me.

So Type 1 (principled, purposeful, self-controlled, perfectionistic) is left as probably the best fit? But I still just don't vibe with it very well. *shrug*

My guess is that this Enneagram analysis is now long enough to be interesting for nobody but me, so let me leave you with the most practical personality test I've ever come across (seriously, that one can change how you accomplish stuff in this world), and then I'll tell you my Meyers-Briggs cuz when I read descriptors for that one I felt like they nailed it: I'm INFJ and proud of it!

Who needs the Ennegram anyway?

Snotty day

Today I went outside with Brooks after his nap because that's usually what we do and we stay out there for three hours or so and then come back inside for dinner but today when we went outside I just suddenly felt like I needed to sneeze a whole bunch! and I sneezed like five times in a row basically but normally I am a single sneeze type of person so that was pretty weird. Anyway, I sneezed a bunch and then kept feeling like I needed to sneeze and also my nose just clogged riiiiiiiight up so we went back inside after like 45 minutes because it was just too much for me to handle and I was pretty miserable and now it is 10:30 PM and I am still suffering the consequences of those first five minutes outside! What the heck is this about!! And all of this after I've felt like my allergies have been NBD this year so I'm pretty sure just the perfect little pollen ball went directly up my left nostril and lodged itself there and it still hasn't come out, is that even possible to have happen? Also my left eye is more bugged than my right eye but both of them are puffy so that is evidence for my theory and hopefully everything will be better in the morning cuz holy histamines Batman, I cannot live like this.

Also I wrote this whole blog post almost without using the backspace button because I went to a girls' night out in the church parking lot (6 feet apart from each other in camp chairs) and it was a blast but I still gotta get ready for bed so I have now accomplished my evening blogging ritual/goal and now byeeeeee.

COVID Homework #1

For the last few days of this school year, I decided to have my students analyze some COVID data instead of reviewing for the final they won't have to take. It has been very fun for me to create these assignments, so I'm going to share them here. My source for all visuals is Scott Bond on Facebook who has independently and carefully reported COVID numbers for various locations around the world over the last two months. I greatly appreciate his reports and have checked daily for them since my father-in-law mentioned their existence.

Here is the first of the three assignments. Yeah, that's right; I'm giving y'all homework!

Have you watched the news surrounding COVID-19 as case numbers and hospitalizations have grown and shrunk from day to day? Maybe you've heard the phrase "flattening the curve" and wondered just how flat (or not) that curve has gotten while you've been waiting at home to hang out with your friends.

For me, the data has been a very interesting part of the COVID pandemic. Utah's numbers lately have been perplexing, and I want to hear what you think of them.

Here is a graph created by my personal favorite data source during COVID. Friend of a friend Scott Bond has reported each day on Facebook about the Utah situation and numbers, writing a brief analysis and occasionally sharing graphs of the data he's using. Take a minute and look at his latest Utah graph; consider the axes, the colors of the lines, the key at the top, and anything else you think will help you to read the graph:

The first part of this COVID assignment is to ask 3-5 questions about what you see here. There are no right or wrong questions! Consider what about the graph makes the most or least sense to you, how Scott collects and presents his data, or what the trend lines show. What do you notice? What do you wonder? We'll have a chance to answer some of these next time; try to be sincere and thoughtful.

I got some good responses to this assignment, and I'll share the next assignment in the series soonish. If anyone reading does have legit questions about this graph, I'm happy to answer them when I post that next assignment! Holler in the comments.

2020 goal check

If you know me well, you probably know that I am a little obsessive about setting and reaching and resetting goals. It's one of my favorite activities and something I think about often. Seasonal goals are my favorite, but my annual goal list usually informs my seasonal goal choices. Here, I'm going to walk through my season goal process and hopefully sound coherent about it as I do so.

Reaching May means that one third of this year has passed. For my annual goals, this is a pretty great time to check in and see if I've made any progress or if I need to make any adjustments.

Here are the goals I set in December to accomplish during 2020:

High priority goals

1) Dive into church history/questions

2) Pass two actuary exams

3) Find a new way to exercise

4) Write!

Next level goals

5) Empty our bonus room of junk we don't need or want

6) Take pics beyond just Brooks

7) Birthday gifts for my immediate family (sisters and parents)

8) Scripture study: world religions devotionals, modern parables/translations, general conference homework

Easy or one-time goals

9) Research unmedicated birth

10) Read Harry Potter again

11) Connect with lady friends regularly

12) Maintain social media fasts, food bank service, and temple attendance from 2019

Here are the ones I'm nailing so far: 1, 4, 5, 7 (but we haven't hit family birthday season yet so this is a cheat), mostly 8, and 10. I probably wouldn't be nailing numbers 4 and 5 if it weren't for COVID.

Here are the ones I haven't touched so far: 3 and 9

And all of the others are somewhere in the middle. COVID delayed my first actuary exam (#2) and ensured that my only photographic subject is Brooks (#6), but I was doing great on both of those before it hit. COVID also sent my normal metrics for #11 out the window, but I have had more digital interactions with friends and family than ever before in my life. I'm being pushed to find new ways to connect, which is as worthy a goal for now as the original. And for #12, COVID has made me less likely to take a real social media fast (boooo, I'm fixing that) and unable to attend the temple, but I've still gone to the food bank!

I'm not here to declare success or failure for months January-April. I do want to evaluate whether any of these goals should shift before I begin my summer months. Where should my focus be as I move forward?

1) I've recently started feeling a strong need to move my body regularly (#3). It's been nice to take a break from running, but once school calms down (next week!), I'll be scouring the internet for workout videos like it's my job. Might buy a yoga mat with my Donald dollars! This will probably be my biggest new area of focus for summer.

2) I need to shift my actuary testing plans (#2) if I'm going to have a paycheck in August. This first felt like a huge bummer, but I'm excited now to potentially get some experience in data science before going whole hog toward actuary science specifically. I'll use my summer months to earn one passing score and rebuild my resume, and then I hope to find a job adjacent to the actuary field in the fall while I continue studying for my second test. 

3) As an entirely new goal: I think I need to try a more strict lactose/dairy free diet than I have so far ever tried. I'm not saying I'll do it; I'm saying I'll think about it. But perhaps over summer, when the harvest is bounteous, I could convince myself to try it? And I could really test if I feel significantly better or not. I'm tired of the low-level but seemingly constant bloat.

4) And my top goal always is to go down any church-related rabbit hole that comes my way. I need a better system for bookmarking these rabbit holes until I can really dive into them. If I can figure out how to better manage the books, links, podcasts, videos, interviews, articles, etc. that are flying at me (keep em comin, tho), I can probably stop feeling like this goal is stealing time from all the other goals (which was the feeling during, like, all of March).

So! Lots of info here, and maybe no one but me cares about it, but summer looks like it's going to be great. That is the best part about setting seasonal goals: it gets me excited for what's to come every single time. My favorite season is whatever season we're about to enter! And usually that's because it's my permission to myself to get going on some new goal material.

If you're feeling an itch to change something, set yourself a lil goal. I promise you'll be glad you at least started on the path.

Ugh, work

Long work day today. Maybe my longest since working from home? I'm ready to be done, but I have just one or two loose ends to tie up before I can go to bed. And I haven't eaten dinner yet (it's 11:00), so I might do that. Either way, blogging is low on the priority totem pole tonight, so I'll just be back tomorrow.

Happy holidays

GUYS. I interacted with people outside of my immediate household family today. Strange how much that feels like a confession, but we were within the bounds of Utah's current COVID recommendations, and I was unwilling to wait even one more week to try having Sunday dinner.

(As a side note, I'm not sure after looking at recent numbers that Utah's current  recommendations are sound? But I know that public health/economy balance is tough. Might have thoughts on this later in the week.)

I took just one very mediocre picture (ugh), but I think that's cuz I was just sucked into the familial magic of it all. More than anything else about quarantine, I have missed in-person family interactions. My closest friendships are with my sisters. I still follow my mom around the house and talk her ear off when I'm visiting. And my love for Joe's family has grown so much over the years. I felt the same anxious need to see them all today as well.

We plan on future Sundays to alternate seeing our two sides of the family, but today, due to the timing of people in and out of town, we ended up visiting both sides. Coming from the dearth of social interaction that is quarantine, it felt like the freaking holidays. We drove home after an afternoon spent out and about both exhilarated and exhausted, filled to the brim and maybe a little overwhelmed. I will certainly need to readjust to leaving the house. (How strange!)

I read a very interesting article a few months ago that had me questioning the strength of the nuclear family as we tend to imagine it (Mom + Dad + kids living together but separate from all other sets of Mom + Dad + kids). I'm thinking about it (again) tonight as I realize how much strength I felt today from the interactions with a wider family sphere. Joseph and Brooks and I make a pretty good team, and we have had happy quarantine times together on the whole. But to heck with that if we can just have our whole happy family back together again. There is strength in numbers, particularly for families. And if you don't believe me (why wouldn't you?), go check out that article. For real.

So happy holidays to us and to anyone else reuniting with family soon! Hopefully the viral spread as we rejoin will remain contained. I don't know if I can trust myself to recommit to avoiding family for another two months.....